Hello, class and welcome to Hacky Sitcom Writing 101. I'm about to give you all
the characters you will need to churn out predictable, safe, and very lame
comedy shows on network Television, so pay attention;


"Uptight White Guy"

He's usually the main protagonist. People are always telling him to loosen up and enjoy himself, but commitments to his work and his moral compass keep him from doing what he really wants to.


"Urban, Fast Talking Black Guy"

He's uptight white guy's friend/co-worker who is always rattling off advice in
the form of comic catch phrases and homegrown street wisdom.
There is no real reason that these two would be friends in real life,
but we've found that predominantly white audiences love this character because
he is a non threatening African American presence.

"Sassy Black Lady"

Kind of a female version of "Urban Black guy" , but her advice has more weight to it since she's a lived longer and benefited from the perspective of a person that made it out of the ghetto, yet still relates everyday life to the lessons she learned there. Her advice will always start with the words, "Child, where I grew up, blabedy bla......"-- whatever. Doesn't matter. Now, you generally can have either "black guy" or "black lady" but not both in the same show UNLESS they are dating or related because the racist network feels that all black people know each other in some way.


"Foreign Man"

This one talks with a very peculiar accent that viewers are expected to find endearing, especially when he spouts outdated American catch phrases like "You go, girl!" and "Get Jiggy with It" His awkward attempts to understand our country's customs will make them roll in the isles.

"Bawdy Grandma"

This cliche goldmine of a character talks about sex and you're supposed to think that's hilarious because...ya know....she's old and old people don't do that! SIDE SPLITTING!


"Gay Guy"

Now as you may know everything is exaggerated on TV because the Network thinks people are either stupid or not paying attention, or both, and for the most they're right, which explains why homosexuals can never be just average people. They have to be loud and flamboyant Liberace types that enter a room with a sing songish "HEEEEELLLO!" They're very opinionated and don't mind dispensing that opinion when it comes to fashion or decorating. And, as if some explanation to their sexual preference were at all neccesary, they will inform you anyway ,with some kind of cutesy line that begins with, "Honey I'm gay, and blabedy bla......" whatever. Doesn't matter. This always tricks the Gay and Lesbian Coalition into NOT complaining about
stereotypical representation because they feel at least they have been included. Same with the black activist group's reaction to the seeing our african american characters speaking "Urban Slang" written by our very white writers. They're just glad we've included them. What both organizations don't realize, is, what we've made them a part of, is a gross generalization created for the purpose of mocking their individual cultures and by doing so, getting big big laughs!


Now start with those characters and if you get stuck, feel free to fill in the rest with minor re-occurring characters that require little explanation like, "Wacky Neighbor", "Slutty Girl" and "Curmudgeonly Boss". Remember, the viewers don't want to think, it doesn't have to be the least bit realistic, and any problems must be resolved by the end of the show, because, this is fantasy.

Ok, get to work. I'll give you 30 minutes and I bet you can come up with a Sitcom worthy of a slot on Prime Time Television! It's just that easy!

Truth in Advertising

I can't stand when advertisements try to trick you into thinking something is a big deal.
They throw out phrases like "The show everyone's talking about" -- What? NO. No, they're not. I know because, I'm included in "everyone" and I haven't said a word. I just heard a radio spot for a Patti Labelle concert, which was described as "The tour you've been waiting for"
Really? I HAVE? I mean, maybe I'd probably go if it was free, but I havent been sitting around waiting for Patti with an emptiness in my life.
Speaking of radio spots for concerts , I heard one a few years ago that was the most innapropriate monster truck show announcer voice. The guy's deep gravely voice bellowed,
SUNDAY! SUNDAY! SUNDAY! ART GARFUNKLE !!!!!! (que Art's soft docile voice singing "....like a bridge over troubled water") YES! ART MOTHERFUCKIN' GARFUNKLE IS GONNA ROCK YOUR FACE OFF! Im not kidding , it was THAT over the top.

Or, how bout this? Ads for movies where they supposedly pulled a quote from a film critic.
I saw one for the Jennifer Lopez movie (doesn't matter which one, theyre all the same)
The movie was hailed as "...laugh out loud hilarious". See, what they don't tell you is, that was just PART of the critic's quote. The rest of it read, "This predictable Hollywood chick flick garbage is so painfully awful and unfunny, the idea of your girlfriend even suggesting you sit through it is....laugh out loud hilarious"

One last thing. Not so much funny as it is true;
The next time you see one of those "I loved it" or "the feel good movie of the summer" or any glowingly generous jack off quotes from a so called "film critic" in an ad, look to see who the quote is attributed to. If you squint your eyes and look close enough at the purposely small printing of the persons name and even smaller portion that tells you what fine publication they work for, if it's not from a bodunk town you've never heard of (The Peppersneeze Gazzette) , then you'll usually see a dot com at the end. Something very generic, like filmreview.com That's because any moron can get a website and review a movie. Doesn't always mean it's not reputable, but alot of these sites are generated by the company who produced the movie! It's a bullshit website they made up just to get a quote that will sell a terrible film to unsuspecting moviegoers.
So keep your eyes and ears open ,my friends.Money is the name of the game and art is dead (not Garfunkle, I mean like creative works of art) Don't fall for those tricks perpetrated by "the man" ! --- that's all for now

Abserdism

So, I started a fight club with senior citizens. I beat the hell out of all of them last night. Now, I know what you're thinking; That's not fair, because they're old and frail and I'm young, but too bad! Those ladies knew what they were getting into.

I wish I was back at that Tiki bar on the nude beach where they except you when you're drunk and naked singing "Margaritaville" at the top of your lungs. Not like those uppity jerks at Wal-mart this morning.

The problem with my generation is, we didn't have any leaders. Noone to give us advice. All we had was this old guy who used to sit at the bus stop with no shirt on, drinking gin and complaining about the government. He used to tell me things like, "Pete, you can't keep a monkey in the fridgerator if you're gonna teach a horse to smoke cigarettes. I remember looking at him and saying, "Dad, what the hell does that mean"

Wanted to be the guy that was so cool, even the fish in my aquarium were wearing sunglasses.
I bought these tiny pairs of shades for them but they wouldn't stay on because fish have no ears. So, I taped them on, but now they just look like big balls of duct tape floating around with sunglasses on, and really ,there's nothing cool about THAT.

When the girl my friend set me up with turned out to be bat sh@# crazy, I called him and said, "Hey, I thought she was a nurse. You said she worked with Doctors. He said, "Yeah she worked with Doctors when she was in a mental hospital. They did all they could, but she's still f'n nuts. That's why I thought you two would make a good couple